Monday, December 29, 2008

An Open Letter To Open Letters

Oh, honestly. What's the point? Do you think it'll change anything? I'm going to break it down for all you open letter writers right here, right now:

Save your breath and keep it to yourself. We don't care, and those full-page ads in USA Today or the New York Times are pricey. It'd be money better spent if you took that cash and fed the starving children in ... oh, wherever the children are starving this year.

Don't like that I don't know where the children are starving? What are you gonna do about it? Write an open letter? That'll certainly teach me a lesson. I gave up public shaming as a motivational force somewhere around 1976 when my mother sent me to a sleepover with colored underwear and all the other boys were wearing white BVDs. You think a few choice words from you in a public forum can do worse damage to my sense of self? Please.

Your taking issue with something isn't more important than the issue you're taking. And telling everyone in the universe that you're taking issue with it is just another chapter in your passive aggressive playbook of self-important bullshit.

That's right. I said it. And I said it out in the open. So bring it, bitches. I'm coming for you.